Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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