we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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