Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
