i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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