so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
