I'm jealous of your bromance
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
