there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
