Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
