Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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