Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
