I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
