I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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