His pubic hair was longer than his dick
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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