dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
