I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
