Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
