Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
