I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
