And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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