dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
