I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
