I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
