Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
