I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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