wanna go halves on a baby?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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