I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
