Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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