Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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