I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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