If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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