Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
