I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
