she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
