I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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