I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
