dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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