she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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