Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
