i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
