I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
