His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
