before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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