I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
