i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
