i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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