could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
