"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
whose parrot is this?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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