Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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