I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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