Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
