I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
