Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
time to smoke my breakfast
this just has baby written all over it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
