Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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