i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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