the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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