I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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