Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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