You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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