Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
