i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
