I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
