I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
