Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
