So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
