I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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